Me Time

Do you ever feel like your mind is in a thousand different places? I usually enjoy multitasking. I love being busy and I love having a lot going on around me. On the flip side though I've learn that I need time to myself to unwind, to feel human.

Lately I have made an effort to be more conscious of setting aside time for me, whether that time is spent relaxing or working on something creative. Often times these things are opposites and I feel the pull when it comes time to me to decide how to spend my free time.

During the day my mind is mostly busy with work. Of course there are times when I will get an email or hear a song that will remind me of something I want to do or something I need jot down but overall, I am set with my tasks at hand until I leave there for the day. From the time I get home until Macie's bedtime around 7:30, we are busy with dinner, baths, playtime, reading books, and bedtime. Once Macie is in bed sleeping, I am available for a little me time, sometimes however this is where the struggle begins.

Something along these lines is a familiar internal battle I have....

Should I take a relaxing bath and read?

Should I work on my Year of Creativity, I want to blog, improve my writing, and connect with the awesome group of women on this journey with me.

I could always grab my markers and spend some time lettering, or coloring and wind down for a bit with a glass of wine.

Do I go sit with Henley for an hour of snuggles, playtime, or TV with just her?

Should I start a movie with my husband to spend some time with him?

And as always, I could work on something around the house --- laundry, bathroom cleaning, picking up, etc.

It never ends. I want to do it all---I want to read all 27 notifications on Facebook and I want to read all of the unread blogs in my feed. I want to take a long, hot bath while reading a few chapters of my book. I want to close out the night with an awesome blog post that you all will love to read but realistically, that can't happen.

My mind is this open browser with a million tabs open and sometimes I feel like a toddler haphazardly clicking the mouse, opening and closing them all at random. Most nights I can successfully choose one of these options but sometimes I can't decide and end up being sucked into my phone by default and waste the whole night away, leaving me frustrated with myself.

I am glad I took the time to decide what I want to work on for me for this year because I feel now at least I am aware of the struggle. Before I wasn't even aware of these internal struggles I was having. I would just end up in bed dissatisfied at the end of the night because I didn't actually do anything, even becoming bitter at times.

I'm not perfect and I am still working to find the right balance for me but I'm getting there. I've had some great nights lately, even if it's just two hours of doing something that I want to do. I feel like acknowledging things I want to work on or things I want to do helps me to focus and not feel overwhelmed, therefore making me a happier, more relaxed, wife and mother.

Tonight was spent working on some watercolor hand lettering and finishing this blog along with some tickle time with Henley. I am not one to believe it's possible to have it all but sometimes it can feel pretty damn close.

::Me:: What I've Learned...About Myself

I’m 34. It’s so weird to see that number because I don’t feel how I thought 34 would feel, in reality I don’t know what 34 should feel like. So much about life is different from what we expect it to be.

Time flies by. I know that is such a common saying but everyone says it because it’s so true!

I recently found myself referring to someone that is 26 as “about my age”. That’s not true obviously. Someone that is 26 is eight years younger than me but that’s honestly what it feels like. However looking back it does make sense that I’m 34. I’ve been out of college and in the working world for over ten years. I have been a mom for four years. I have been with my husband for nineteen years and we’ve been married for ten of those years. Not to mention the countless life lessons I’ve learned about the world and also about myself.

I am a procrastinator. I never really gave myself that label before but over time I realize that I push everything down to the wire. If there is no deadline, I accomplish most of my goals eventually but if there is a deadline, I’m usually working right up to that moment, maybe a few hours before. My work day usually begins with catching up on Facebook and the news rather than knocking out my list and using any free time at the end of the day to catch-up.

I am introverted. I’m friendly, chatty even at times but for the most part I want to keep to my world (my friends, my family, my turf). I make plans with good intentions but usually have thoughts to cancel. If I don’t cancel, I usually do have fun but sometimes in the moments leading up to it, I have second thoughts and regret committing.

I love Pinot Noir and I love knowing which wines I love. I also love that I know which wines I like best with which foods.

I value friends but I’ve learned I can break-up with a friend if it’s in the best interest of both of us and that’s ok. Friendships are needed in those moments you just need a reprieve; whether it be a break from work, kids, or real life, friends are there. Friendships are easy and natural and for the friendships that are not these things, it’s ok if they are no more. Life is too short; time and energy too limited to be expended on friendships that aren’t enjoyable.

I love Target, like LOVE. I love that I can redecorate my patio while picking up wipes and yogurt. I love that I live three miles from one. I love that I can peruse the aisles with a Starbucks tea and a cake pop. I love that my girls love Target as much as I do. ::keep up the good work Target::

I find peace in a good book and I’ve learned that a bath can heal almost anything.

I value people. I will not put others down to make myself look better and I will not step on someone to get higher. I put family above work at all times. I know I only get 18 or so years with my girls and no job or promotion is worth missing out on any moment with them.

I do not have a poker face. I wear my thoughts and emotions and it’s felt in my demeanor. I do not play games and I am genuine.

I am capable of more love than I could have ever fathomed 15 years ago. I love my husband more every day. I love my girls each so much. I love my family and my friends. I love this life I have built with them.

I am so blessed to have all I do. Who knows where I’ll be in another ten years but based on the last ten, I look forward to seeing it.

::Henley:: A Day In Our Life

I've been back to work for three weeks now and I feel we are into a routine now and are getting pretty good at the day to day activities of being new, working parents. When I was thinking about this post I couldn't decide where to start it, like where does my day start. Once I started thinking about it more and more, it occurred to me that being a mom is literally a 24/7 job---so much so I couldn't even figure out where to "start" my day for this post. That being said, I'll start from my alarm. :-)

5:30 am - Alarm goes off & up and at em I go (I actually get out of bed about 50% of the time, the other 50% I hit snooze and throw off my whole morning) into the shower, get dressed, hair, makeup, shoes, and accessories.

6:15 am - Head into the kitchen. I pack my breakfast and lunch, grab a glass of milk or juice in my Tervis cup. Pack all of my bottles for pumping, all of my pump parts, and the pump. Make sure I have my wallet, keys, and cell phone in my purse. (I put these in the diaper bag when we go out as a family and have forgotten them before----now I check!)

6:30 am - Grab Henley and nurse her before walking out of the house. She wakes up sometimes but most of the time falls back asleep. I secretly hope she wakes up so I get snuggles before walking out the door. Ted wakes up at this point and heads to the kitchen to start the coffee and his breakfast. Once the coffee has starts, he grabs Fitz and heads out the door for their morning walk.

6:45 am - Henley is finished nursing and after some quickly snuggles and kisses, I head out of the door on the way to work. If she's awake, I put her in the swing so she can watch Dad eat breakfast, if not I lay her back down.

7:00 am - Me: I arrive at work, turn on my computer, and heat up some oatmeal for breakfast. Dad: Starts getting dressed and ready for work.

7:15 am - Dad: Grabs Henley and after much changing table cooing and laughing, gets Henley dressed and ready for school. Takes a picture of Henley and texts it to Mom. :-)

 7:25 am - Dad: Grabs the bottles from the fridge and packs them in the diaper bag, grab the baby and is out the door.

7:30 am - Call Mom and gives her a report on the morning, I love hearing when her and Dad have a happy, smiley morning.

7:45 am - Dad drops off Henley at daycare and calls Mom to let her know. (I've read too many stories of people forgetting to drop the kids off at daycare. We live in Florida where the internal temp in cars can reach well over 120* and we aren't chancing it. We've agreed to call before and after drop off duty just to be safe).

8:00 am - Dad gets to work and everyone is set for the day.

9:00 am - I have my first pumping session at work, usually get 6-7 oz.

11:30 am - Second pumping session (usually get 4 oz), heat up lunch and eat at my desk while checking my favorite websites.

2:00 pm - Third pumping session (usually get another 4 oz for a total of 14 oz for the following day's bottles).

3:45 pm - Start wrapping up any last minute emails, grab all of my pump parts and accessories and head out of work by 4:00 pm (I have forgotten my pump and milk twice and had to turn around. I now keep my car keys in my pump bag so I can't leave without it).

At this point, I am so excited to get Henley that I usually drive like a crazy person, cursing at every slow driver and red light I encounter.

4:10 pm - Arrive at day care and pick up Henley, finally head home for the day.

4:30 pm - Home with Henley. Hug and kiss her as much as I can, chat about our day and get lots of smiles and snuggles.

5:15 pm - Dad gets home and we all go for a walk with Fitzy.

Between 5:30 - 7:00 pm - Wash all of her bottles from the day (I send 5- 4 oz bottles but always get one back). Dad starts dinner while Mom and Henley have some tummy time. Henley usually nurses anywhere from 5:45 - 6:30. After we nurse, dinner is ready. We get to eat together about half of the time, the other half we eat in shifts.

7:15 pm - Start the wind down process. Dad starts the bath while I strip her down nudie. Bath time is a joint effort, she loves it so much that both Mom and Dad love playing with her.

7:30 pm - Out of the bath. New diaper on with the Snuza clipped and turned on, lotion massage on the legs, arms, and belly, clean the ears with baby Q-tips, and onesie on.

7:45 pm - All of the lights are turned down, Pandora on the TV is turned on and the Lullaby station is playing. I nurse her while rocking in the chair. She starts dozing off during this feeding so I try to wake her to keep her eating so she gets enough for the night.

8:00-8:15 pm - She finishes nursing, I swaddle her, give her a paci, and rock her to sleep. Once she's asleep I put her to bed. She is going back and forth between the Rock and Play sleeper and the Pack and Play. She's congested at the moment so we have been using the Rocker since it has a nice incline.

8:30 pm - Get ready for the next day: I make up all of her bottles for the next day. Lately I have been 2 oz short so I make all of the bottle except the 2 oz I'll pump later. I wash all of my pump bottles and parts. I pack her diaper bag, lay out her outfit for the next day for Dad.

9:00 pm - Start my 30 Day Shred workout while Dad watches TV or surfs on the computer.

9:30 pm - Workout complete and into the shower I go. Pump last two oz when I get out and add it to the bottles in the fridge. Clean all of the pump parts again.

10:00 pm - Bed!! Totally exhausted at this point! Lay in bed, catch up on Facebook, Instagram, and all of my blogs on BlogLovin'

10:30 pm - Out like a light!

2:00 am - Henley wakes up for her first feed. I usually get out of bed and head to the rocker in the living room for this one. Read Facebook, my message boards, Huffington Post, anything to stay awake.

Anywhere from 4:00 - 4:30 am - Hens wakes up for her next feeding. At this point I'm usually too exhausted to get up so I put her in bed with us and nurse her lying down. We both fall asleep until my alarm goes off and we start this crazy day all over again!

As you can see there isn't much time for "me" time but the one thing motherhood has taught me is that I don't need it. I don't need time to surf the internet for hours at a time, if my fingernails or toenails aren't perfectly painted that's ok. Spending time with my smiley little baby is the best gift I could ever get.

Being a working mom isn't easy but it's going well. Henley likes day care so far and I like seeing how great all of the employees at the day care are with her. Look at her first "artwork"!

How similar is my day to you other new mom's out there? Any tips or pointers you've learned??

Hope you are having a great weekend!

Mere :-)

::Life:: Back to It

Well it's official--my maternity leave is over! (insert a mega sad face here!) Excluding the week Henley was born, this has been one of the most emotional times I've ever had in my life. I've been back to work for one week now and am just now starting to feel like this is my new routine.

I started thinking about returning to work and getting started with our new normal around the time Henley was 7 weeks old. I was lying in bed one night with Henley snuggled tight up against me. I was thinking how awesome the last 7 weeks have been and then I started doing the math---7 weeks old, 12 weeks of maternity leave equals 5 weeks left!! I lost it right there--tears, crying, the works.

I started thinking how I would only be getting a few hours with her at night during the week. I was thinking that there is so much to do at night as it is that I can't imagine adding a baby into the mix and still getting quality time. It was around this time that Henley first started smiling and her smiles and happiest times were much more frequent in the mornings.  I just knew I'd be missing all of those sweet little moments. On top of all of this was the fact that I would be leaving my precious, beautiful little baby with people I had met for 10 minutes tops!

The dread surrounding the day I'd be returning to work was constant, my thoughts ended up there frequently and always ended with tears. At about 10 weeks postpartum, I started coming to grips with the situation. Work was 2 weeks away, I needed to be mentally challenged again, Henley needed to develop socially, all working moms have experienced this, and all of these emotions were normal. I met with my boss and discussed an alternate schedule that would allow me an extra hour or two at night with Henley without sacrificing the amount of hours I was working. Mentally I felt a little more prepared but emotionally I was still a mess.

I returned to work Wednesday but I had received advice to take her to daycare a day or two before I go back for a few hours to get myself acclimated without the added pressure of work. I was scheduled to go back to work on Wednesday so I planned on taking her to daycare Monday and Tuesday.

Last Sunday night I was doing my nightly bed time routine with Henley and was rocking her to sleep. I just started to cry again thinking of all of my worries. On top of all of the normal concerns I had was the fact that this signified the end of the first stage of her life. She is no longer a newborn, I am no longer the sole person offering her care--that chapter was over.

I sat with my husband that night rocking her for at least an hour after she fell asleep just talking it through. Logically I knew this was what we wanted but emotionally it was so hard to think about. My husband is a saint and it always there for me to talk through things. I left that conversation feeling emotionally prepared for the following day. I could do this! Henley would be ok and I would have time to catch up on some things I had to do before work.

Monday morning rolled around, I got up and started getting ready to drop her off. I was feeling so confident that this was going to be much better than expected. I was actually looking forward to this in a weird way. I was feeling pretty proud of myself. We arrived at daycare around 9:30. I walked in, got the tour, got all of her stuff set up (still feeling like a rockstar I might add), then one of the worker's held Henley and said "we got this mom, see you in a little bit" and I lost it! Right there in the middle of the room, crying my eyes out. I wasn't really even thinking about anything that would cause me to cry. I was overcome with this emotion that I couldn't control! It felt so unnatural for her to not be with me---for someone else to be taking care of her for the day. I drove home and just cried.

I lasted about 4 hours before I had to go get her, crying for about 3 of those hours. I walked into daycare and she was just hanging out---totally content. I picked her up and squeezed her and gave her tons of kisses---she was back where she belongs! We survived the first day of "school". Tuesday was much better and not one tear was shed. Once I started work, my husband would be doing drop off duty (huge benefit to me emotionally). Since I have started work, saying goodbye in the mornings is hard, I get choked up and I miss her so much during the day but every day is a little better. On Wednesday I cried the whole way to work. On Thursday and Friday I cried when I said goodbye and now I get choked up but I have something so great to look forward to. (and I might add that tonight she smiled and cooed at me for at least 10 minutes so I still get awesome moments!)

This post really doesn't have much of a purpose other than to tell you about my day and to say that people are right---it gets easier every day. I don't miss her any less. Every day I am just at eager to get her---packed up and ready to go the minute I am able to. I speed over to daycare as soon as possible, cursing every light I have to stop at but seeing her there at day care warms my heart. Picking her up and kissing her makes me melt. Parenthood is the most incredible privilege I have ever been blessed with. I feel so honored to have the opportunity to be Henley's mom. I love that I get to love her and that I get to experience the mother bond. Being a mom is incredible, truly!

At least once a day I am just overwhelmed with emotion and love for her it's incredible. It's crazy that I love this little person so much---I had no idea I had this much love to give.

If you are returning to work soon or if you are worried about it, just know that you are not alone! Every new mom feels this way, it's not natural to be away from our babies but it's going to be ok. They will be learning new skills and meeting new friends (and you will be able to stay challenged and keep your sanity). It gets easier every day. Stay strong!

Ok---after all of that gushing I just want to go pick her up and snuggle her right now (I won't of course--never wake a sleeping baby)!

If you hung on for this whole post, mad props! ;-)

Mere