Me Time

Do you ever feel like your mind is in a thousand different places? I usually enjoy multitasking. I love being busy and I love having a lot going on around me. On the flip side though I've learn that I need time to myself to unwind, to feel human.

Lately I have made an effort to be more conscious of setting aside time for me, whether that time is spent relaxing or working on something creative. Often times these things are opposites and I feel the pull when it comes time to me to decide how to spend my free time.

During the day my mind is mostly busy with work. Of course there are times when I will get an email or hear a song that will remind me of something I want to do or something I need jot down but overall, I am set with my tasks at hand until I leave there for the day. From the time I get home until Macie's bedtime around 7:30, we are busy with dinner, baths, playtime, reading books, and bedtime. Once Macie is in bed sleeping, I am available for a little me time, sometimes however this is where the struggle begins.

Something along these lines is a familiar internal battle I have....

Should I take a relaxing bath and read?

Should I work on my Year of Creativity, I want to blog, improve my writing, and connect with the awesome group of women on this journey with me.

I could always grab my markers and spend some time lettering, or coloring and wind down for a bit with a glass of wine.

Do I go sit with Henley for an hour of snuggles, playtime, or TV with just her?

Should I start a movie with my husband to spend some time with him?

And as always, I could work on something around the house --- laundry, bathroom cleaning, picking up, etc.

It never ends. I want to do it all---I want to read all 27 notifications on Facebook and I want to read all of the unread blogs in my feed. I want to take a long, hot bath while reading a few chapters of my book. I want to close out the night with an awesome blog post that you all will love to read but realistically, that can't happen.

My mind is this open browser with a million tabs open and sometimes I feel like a toddler haphazardly clicking the mouse, opening and closing them all at random. Most nights I can successfully choose one of these options but sometimes I can't decide and end up being sucked into my phone by default and waste the whole night away, leaving me frustrated with myself.

I am glad I took the time to decide what I want to work on for me for this year because I feel now at least I am aware of the struggle. Before I wasn't even aware of these internal struggles I was having. I would just end up in bed dissatisfied at the end of the night because I didn't actually do anything, even becoming bitter at times.

I'm not perfect and I am still working to find the right balance for me but I'm getting there. I've had some great nights lately, even if it's just two hours of doing something that I want to do. I feel like acknowledging things I want to work on or things I want to do helps me to focus and not feel overwhelmed, therefore making me a happier, more relaxed, wife and mother.

Tonight was spent working on some watercolor hand lettering and finishing this blog along with some tickle time with Henley. I am not one to believe it's possible to have it all but sometimes it can feel pretty damn close.

Where the Comfort Zone Ends...

I started my first blog in 2009, Idle Banter (it's still out there, check it out if you dare!). At the time I was a part of an online community of mostly newlyweds, all embarking on a similar journey, an exciting time in our lives, in love and relatively unencumbered. I was working as an auditor, typically between 40 and 60 hours a week and traveling for work often. I have always been a creative person, my mother is very creative and her influence has had a great impact of my own creative nature. My career at that time did not provide me much opportunity for the creative outlets I had come to love: sewing, scrapbooking and baking. Many of the women in my online community were bloggers or had recently become bloggers and it seemed like a great way to do something outside of my everyday work. I had never been a writer, I still don't consider myself a writer, so I wasn't sure if this is something I was capable of but I was intrigued, could this be the creative outlet I was so badly missing? I really felt out of my league at the time, but thought 'why not'. I focused on things I could blog about while traveling or working long hours like fashion, makeup, trends, foods, etc. My blog did pretty well considering it really had no vision and I essentially just flew by the seat of my pants.

In 2012, my husband and I decided to start trying for a family. My blog was tired and I felt I had outgrown it. I decided to start a new blog that would mostly be all of the things I loved (and would soon come to love) like traveling, running, and eventually babies, Our Own Kind of Paradise was born. I did weekly pregnancy updates that in the end were probably mostly viewed by family, I'm sure of it. I have posted things we've done, places we've traveled, recipes, and a DIY craft here and there. During this time I also started an Etsy shop creating clothing and accessories for kids. I was busy, working every night from Henley's bedtime to 10pm making headbands and leggings or embroidering shirts. My blog accumulated dust and eventually went months without posts. I ran my shop for about two years before life just got larger than the amount of free time I had.

Fast forward to 2017. I have two girls and work a full-time job as an Accounting Director. I have learned so much about myself in the last four years. I have learned that I am an introvert in almost every sense of the word. I have learned that I love my family more than life and would give anything for them. I have learned that giving myself time alone helps me be a better wife and mother. I have learned that I need to be creative to be me, to be happy.

I resurrected the blog about two months ago and it finally clicked that this is a perfect creative outlet for me at the moment. I can put all of the words and thoughts rushing around inside me into print (type?) and hopefully share it with you all. I've been enjoying it more than I really ever have before but I want more. I want to be better.

I came across the Year of Creativity from Coffee + Crumbs which is a year long online course of monthly lessons themed and designed to inspire your creative side. From their site:

The Year of Creativity is for the woman who is uninspired, disconnected from her creative self, longing for something more. This program is for the woman who wants to dedicate this year to rediscovering inspiration in order to make beautiful things.

When I initially read about it, I was interested but I wasn't sure it would be a good fit for me. I was intrigued and kept coming back to the website. I was reading more and more about it and before I could talk myself out of it I signed up. I've been a fan of C+C for a while, their essays are so inspiring and real. I immediately thought how much I would love to be able to create like that.

The first lesson started January 1 and I am so excited to get started working with all of these amazing women but mostly, in this moment, I am scared. I am a CPA, I am not a writer. These people are real writers and bloggers. I am majorly out of my comfort zone and while I'm mostly excited about it, I am still nervous and feeling vulnerable. I'm confident I will embrace this journey and get the most out of it that I can and this is the last moment that I am going to let myself feel undeserving to be included. Tomorrow I will log in to my lesson and write as if I have been writing my whole life, because in my heart, I believe I have been.